As 6PM rolls around and everyone jokes and hahas about the end of days, some of us may want to fine-tune our survival skills… just to be on the safe side.  I can’t cover all the scenarios in such a short time, so lets just hit the big DOs and DON’Ts.


  • Learn how to build a fire.  It helped primitive man rise to power and it certainly makes for tasty (and less diseased) foodstuffs.  Wanton travelers of the post-apocalyptic realm will know you’re living large because you smell of smoke.
  • Know how to properly stab stuff.  Sure, we’ve stockpiled enough ammo around the States to last for a decade or two after the collapse of civilization, but we’ll eventually run out.  When we do, you better get with the stabbity-stab quickity-quick or you’ll be deadity-dead.
  • Water falls from the sky.  You can make it weeks without food but only days without water.  It’s important and it just falls from the sky… and does so more often in places like rain forests and Seattle.
  • Travel in packs.  Someone has to slow the zombies down and if you’re lone-wolfing it, that someone is you.  Gather up your wall of sacrificial lambs while you can.  Hey, it worked for Invader Zim in the Hobo 13 episode.  Just make sure you replenish your stock regularly.  Waiting until the last minute to bring in new reserves increases your chances of becoming a lone wolf… and we know what happens then.


  • Recklessly set everything on fire.  Flames are not conducive to the "living" lifestyle.  They take away breathable air, destroy flesh, and give insurance companies fits (although, it is good advertising for them).  Remember… fire = good.   You in the fire = bad.
  • Stab everything.  You still need those sacrificial lambs to slow the zombies.  Animals are easier to take around if they can walk themselves.  Eyes don’t work so well with holes in them.
  • Move to the rain forest or Seattle.  The zombie hordes know you’re going there for the abundance of fresh water, and they’ll be laying in wait to snack on some well-hydrated brain jellies.  Don’t be fooled and always remember the words of Admiral Ackbar… "It’s a trap!". 
  • Trust anyone.  Groups lead to socialization.  Socialization leads to factions.  Factions lead to politics.  Politics lead to betrayal.  Come on, haven’t you watched Survivor?  Plus in the days after the end days, people will be more cutthroat as they achieve higher levels of crankiness and bitchiness than ever before.  "Oh, I lost my house and my dog and my seven figure salary.  Boo-hoo."  "I can’t believe it’s gone.  That car was a classic and I rebuilt it with my own hands."  "I’d effin’ kill for some chocolate.  Or beer.  Or chocolate beer.  Can you combine chocolate and beer?  I must be dehydrated cause I’m feelin’ kinda loopy."